One of the core principles of 12 step programs, being surrendering to a higher power and relinquishing control, directly contradicts most of the other suggestions thereafter. While I do believe that having a belief system of some sort is comforting and helpful during any recovery process, to say it’s all that is necessary and then follow it up with more steps “that must be worked” is nonsensical. I know when to say no and when to say yes. I take responsibility for my choices. The victim? She went somewhere else. The only one who can truly victimize me is myself, and 99 percent of the time I choose to do that no more. But I need to continue to remember the key principles: boundaries, letting go, forgiveness after feeling my feelings—not before, self-expression, loving others but loving myself, too.”

Suppose you’re not clear or familiar with something like codependency. How could you be aware of negative codependent behaviors and the commonly believed good intentions behind them that may negatively impact relationships? We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. Feel any feelings that go with rejection; talk about your thoughts; but don’t forfeit your self-esteem to another’s disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. If you have done something inappropriate or you need to solve a problem or change a behavior, then take appropriate steps to take care of yourself. But don’t reject yourself, and don’t give so much power to other people’s rejection of you. It isn’t necessary” It’s like being caught up in a fishing net, sometimes even unaware of your captivity. Obsession with another human being or situation is also another way to see the disease because it de-emphasizes a person’s real needs.

Melody believes that emotional, mental, and spiritual health can never be taught. The only thing you can do actually to motivate a person or to encourage them is to take certain actions. Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. p 62,63 We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle.”

of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

Final Notes

Learn how to lean on yourself, find out what needs to be done to detach from these habitual tendencies, and you’ll see a significant change right away. However, the minute I got past the introduction and into the meat of the text, I found almost everything Melody writes about codependency utterly (and often painfully) relatable. When Beattie got sober after ten years of alcohol, cocaine, and heroin abuse, her counselors told her that to stay sober, she’d have to face her feelings. It was an incredibly scary proposition at the time. But by following their advice, Beattie learned that “feelings are not facts,” as the old AA saying goes. Also extremely irksome was the very commonly American style of presumptuous Christian proselytising (that said, I do think this American habit/ tendency is declining over recent years as respect for the differing views of others has grown, so perhaps, in this case, it is also a mark of an earlier era as the book was written in the '80s). I have been more involved with Buddhist practice and philosophy in my life, though I only really got into that when I found a Teacher who was as equally interested and engaged as I was with recognising what all Faith systems share. I was already in love with Hildegard von Bingen, and rather fond of St Claire and St Francis (I spent some time visiting a rural nunnery built alongside a monastery dedicated to these two). I have long loved mystical and contemplative Christian work. I have loved reading Matthew Fox and Thomas Merton, among others. Some of my role models are priests and nuns whose Christianity informs their social care work. I have my own relationship with God. And my God is NOT the God Melody Beattie frequently describes. And the issue here is not that I care about Melody Beattie's God specifically, but that a relationship with God - including not having such a relationship - is deeply personal and that I feel her manner of speaking about HER God is incredibly presumptuous (I've used that word a lot in this review, haven't I) and therefore disrespectful and inappropriate.

Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending toa loved one’s self-destructive behavior, you may be codependent—and you may find yourself in this book.With instructive life stories, personal reflections, exercises, and self-tests, Codependent No Morehelps you to break old patterns, maintain healthy boundaries, and say no to unhealthyrelationships. It offers a clear and achievable pathto freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness. I feel conflicted in giving this a rating as the good stuff is at 4-5, but the stuff that bothered me - which was unfortunately a lot - was around 1-2 . I'm going to give it a 3 at this point, as I do think there are some really good insights that I felt were beneficial. But there are also a lot of holes and incredible overemphasis on alcoholism and 12 Step program dogma, which I happen to feel strongly contain elements that are damaging and limiting in their approach and perspective. I cannot ethically support that view. It was also very presumptuously Christian. I feel annoyed and disrespected in light of these perspectives being so heavily 'pushed' - from the cover I had no idea that this was so primary to the entire contents of the book.

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Become very angry every once in a while, and take a defensive stance when others believe that codependents should embrace a different standpoint. Don’t get surprised if, from time to time, you lose the ground beneath your feet. It’s a symbolic expression that embodies our absolute necessity to vent anger and rage. Many of you have written to me, saying how much I've helped you. Well, you've helped and touched me, too. I want to be very clear, though - I am NOT telling other people to abandon or avoid 12 Steps work if that is what they choose to engage for themselves. Nor am I discounting the experiences of those who feel they benefit from it - recovery and benefit are valuable however they come to any individual. My concern is the presumptuous presentation style of this book's contents, which seems to imply that healing codependence issues (or alcoholism, etc) is dependent on adherence to the 12 Steps - as if codependency is inextricably linked with 12 Steps view of illness and addiction, which is potentially damaging nonsense, in my view.

This is the book that started it all. I know it is cliché but, this book has changed my life and my thinking… Much of this book references alcoholism (people often develop codependent behaviors in response to having an addict in their lives), and while that is not what brought about my codependent behaviors, I still found this book to be really helpful. I imagine that it could be particularly resonant for those actually in that situation. Although I am not dealing specifically/only with an alcoholic, there are other controlling behaviors that this applies to. Not necessarily a chemical or substance dependency. Anything that affects your behavior that you find yourself trying to control situations to avoid that behavior.Taking responsibility for ourselves can sound rather daunting, but it doesn’t have to happen all at once. It’s a one-day-at-a-time process that can be quite exciting – when we take steps toward recovery, we feel an instant burst of freedom. I was first introduced to the term "codependent" by my therapist a little over a year ago. I remember being flabberghasted. "NOT ME! I'm the most financially independent woman there is. I don't need a man or anyone for that matter!" At first, most people will be naturally drawn to a codependent because of the codependent's ability to give and give and give and give. When it eventually becomes apparent that the charitable behaviors are actually a warped way of controlling the world around them, a psychologically healthy person will turn the other direction and run as fast as they can. They will be able to sense inherently that their boundaries are being infringed on in a subtle and destructive manner.