Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him” Carey Marx (2008) The group included a grandmother, her daughter and her daughter’s daughter. 32. What 5-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” Ian Smith (2015)

What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman. Yo Mamma’s so fat… that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though it’s her responsibility.” Dominic Frisby (2016)The thing with most dad jokes, is that you’ve heard them all before. Thousands of times. From your own dad. just enjoying the views and the rolling hills, when suddenly she happened upon another blonde sitting in a boat in the middle of the field, pulling the oars like her life depended. In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me.” Daniel Audritt (2018)

mittans96 9. My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…” A ton. 59. A girl leaves home and turns left three times, only to return home facing two guys wearing masks. Who are the two guys? My mate is called Liam, but we call him ‘Two Legs Liam’. The reason for that is because he only has one arm.” Andrew Ryan (2016)I’ve always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Which has confused a lot of guys that have tried to start fights with me. They’ll raise their fists, I’ll whip my knob out.” Mark Nelson (2015) Tim Vine has won the award for funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe twice (Photo: Getty) Survivors are not buried. 70. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men? Day breaks and night falls 81. The accountant testified “the attorney is my brother,” but, the attorney testified that he did not have a brother. Who is lying?

The baby, since he is a little Bigger. 91. A man lives on the 100th floor of an apartment building. On rainy days, he rides the elevator all the way up. However, on sunny days, he only goes up halfway and then takes the stairs the rest of the way. Why is this? If a monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree, who will get the banana first? I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012)We’ve put together a rather epic list of some of the best jokes and one-liners that have had audiences giggling in the Scottish capital over recent years. I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.” Caroline Mabey (2017) Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey (2014) An anchor. 93. Which English word holds the same pronunciation even if you take away four out of its five letters?

What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed” Josie Long (2008) Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered". Bookkeeper 104. There are eight men sitting on a couch. Three legs break off and six men leave. How many legs are remaining?Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside. Keep your kids amused by showing them this, our list of 110 of the best simple or silly jokes kids will love. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.